Compare and Contrast Essay: Corrections

2 things I did well:

-I integrated the quotes from the sources well and picked the right ones to support my arguments!

-My conclusion is well written and I left off by wrapping up my idea but also leaving one last point to make it more interesting.

2 things I could improve on:

-I could improve on my hook and think more about it when starting my essay

-I could try using less commas and making my sentences more concise

My corrected essay:

Compare and Contrast Essay-1dlxz12

 

“The Watch” by Elie Wiesel

The Germans fled once they knew they were losing. I went in to take a photo of the poor Jews and I saw the result of what those Nazis were doing. It was terrible, all of them were so skinny, their bones were practically popping out of their skin. All this time they hadn’t eaten a decent amount of food, starving, on the brink of death. Their wooden bunk beds creaked constantly as they moved. If they moved, most of them were practically dead. On top of this they layed their heads on metal dishes when they slept. They had no real pillows and only the little amount of grey, dirty clothes on their backs to cover them. I felt cold shivers just looking at them; however, those cold shivers contrasted with the warm musty feeling in the room with all these body’s crammed together. The cold warmth combines with the foul stench of urine, feces, sweat and worst of all, death. As I took the picture, I felt horrified and disgusted at the evil people behind this.

http://www.cnn.com/2016/07/02/world/elie-wiesel-dies/index.html