Reflection:

Two things that I am proud about for my narrative essay is the fact that I could tell that story. It was something close to me and while it wasn’t perfect, I feel as though I did it justice and it is just something I’m proud of. I also thing that I did a good job of demonstrating my knowledge of the rules of three. While the rules of three isn’t to difficult I’m still proud that I understand it  thoroughly. Honestly there’s a lot that I would change about this essay for next time. This was my first narrative essay and I still have a lot to learn. For next time I would triple check my work when I’m still awake. I made the mistake of double checking while tired and clearly a lot of mistakes were make. I would also try to use more diverse vocabulary to really enriche the essay as a whole and make the imagery more powerful.

Claire
English 10
April 5, 2018

Disneyland Feeling.

I’ve always been very good at running and hiding from my problems. Never have I been the type of person to actually face an issue and work through it. Pretending to be sick to get out of class in kindergarten cause I was jealous of my little brother, hiding from my parents when I broke a glass bowl and hiding every emotions from them to look strong when they got a divorce. Running from my problems was a quick, easy short term solution that I thought I could make permanent; I thought ignorance was fixing and I lived by it. As one would think, it didn’t work and it all caught up to me. I was drowning.
Sure we’ve all heard about anxiety and depression, stories of how they wanted to die and they were alone, but magically they met some friends and got help and it all got better, how they found their place and they were calm, cured, carefree.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t work magically in real life and it all take over first slow but then all at once. One event after another it all piled up on top of me and I felt this heavy weight on my shoulders everywhere I went. It felt like carrying around a backpack full of bricks, my heart constantly beating so fast it felt like it was about to explode and my head always pounding. I think back on what started all of this but I can’t pin point one specific event, I can say that multiple parts of my life has affected me and made me who I am today for or worse. Looking back on it all I can see and understand what happened and how it affects me, I also see all the mistakes I made and how I could have made things a lot better for myself; if I didn’t lie, cheat and fake my through some problems. If I had actually faced my enemies at the time maybe I could have felt better and not at someone else’s expense. I should probably add some context to everything I’m saying so you can actually understand.
September 4th 2007, my very first day of kindergarten. It was certainly a struggle to get me to leave for school; I was so nervous, I just wanted to stay home with my mom and be little again like my brother. Kindergarten would be a very big step for me. I’ve never really left the house and left my parents side for long periods of time and I certainly didn’t know how to make friends and socialize. Walking up to the school I started to cry, I felt sick to my stomach and I didn’t want to leave my mom. Then the teacher came out to greet us and let us in, I lined up with the other kids and when I looked back, my mom has left. I grew increasingly quiet, wiped my tears and said “ Hello” to my new teacher. She let us all and told us to hang our backpacks and take a seat on the carpet. Here was the defining moment in my entire kindergarten experience, I was the last to hang my backpack so when I turned around the dirty old carpet was full. I was anxious and not surprisingly ready to cry again. But then I could hear a very small and quiet voice:
“ You can sit with me there’s room for you.” That moment is when I met my very best friend for kindergarten; we were absolutely inseparable. I didn’t have to make new friends when she so willingly opened up to me and let me in. We did everything together and when school ended in June I was actually looking forward to returning just so that I could see her again, however it didn’t work out that. My mom was pregnant and that meant that we had to move to bigger house to properly accommodate the new baby. So when she said,
“I have a surprise for you!” I knew everything was about to change.
I didn’t want to move houses and I definitely didn’t want to move schools, I had friends at the old house and people that I knew.
If I walked into a new classroom it would all change. Even with my complaints we still moved houses and that means a new first day of school. It was like kindergarten all over again, I was so nervous that I felt sick to my stomach, I had a headache and I was willing to do whatever it took to get out of class. We didn’t notice that these were signs and symptoms of anxiety we simply believe I was a nervous jumpy kid. After months of going to this new school I eventually made some new friends, some of them I’m still friends with to this day. Things had gotten better but I still had these voices in my head making me nervous and overwhelmed. I didn’t realize that they were not supposed to be there and there was a way to get rid of them, that was of course until my wonderful trip to Disneyland.
Waking up that morning for another day of school was as usual difficult. However I managed and it was definitely worth it. I got out of bed and noticed something was different, my parents were eating breakfast. That was a very unusual sight because they never eat breakfast ever and I knew that I wouldn’t be going to school that day. The famous words that I still remember today were spoken, “ Claire, Paul we are going for a drive.”
“ A drive where?” my brother responses.
“ To the happiest place on earth.”
I’ve heard of Disneyland before and I definitely wanted to go. After a three hour plane ride we were there and honestly I was screaming with excitement. While I was excited for this trip I honestly didn’t know that it would change me as much as it did. Maybe it was the vitamin C, the happy atmosphere or the needed fun time with family but that trip lifted the weight of my shoulders. I no longer perpetually felt like I was going to be sick or have a headache all my nervousness was gone. Honestly, it was exhilarating. I was even able to stand up in front of a crowd and volunteer in a show. Something that I would’ve never been able to do before. All that nervousness and constant anxiety was gone. I was so happy and carefree. I cried when I had to leave, not because I was leaving Disneyland behind, but because I was picking my anxiety up at the airport. I had to go back to real life and it sucks.
The years after that got a lot harder for me. My parents got a divorce, I started to get bullied and because of all this I started to bully others. Something that still very much affects me today. Even though the road was difficult I had a new coping method, to think about the magic of Disneyland. The warmth in the air, the sun shining down, the fun upbeat music playing all around me, the happy atmosphere, the bright fun decorations, it instantly calms me. My goal today is to find a way to keep that Disney feeling with me. So while I’ve grown a lot as a person and I’ve tried my best to fix the damage I’ve created and while I still have a long way to go I truly think that things will get better. That’s the difference from me now versus me then and it’s beyond refreshing, it’s a breath of fresh air.
While this was a long and continuing experience I’ve learned a lot. The moral of my journey is to get help when you need it. So much could have been avoided if I just said what I felt and cared a little less about what others thought. So while it was an emotional and hard journey I wouldn’t change it cause I learned so much and it helped shape me today, someone I’m finally comfortable with and that is a Disneyland feeling.