As long as I can remember it, I have always felt like I was invisible. Not that I actually was but, I felt that way, that no one could really see me. As if I was no one. It started in middle school I think. I was always the kid that sits at the back of the classroom, as far as possible from others. I was too shy. I never got to really understand how it works, I mean, talking, laughing, making friends, feeling like being part of something, anything. I was nothing. I spent my whole days looking outside through the window, at the trees. Trees always change through time, they change colors, they grow, they lose their leaves and wait for the snow to fall on their branches, but finally, they always start the same cycle. Spring, they get green, smell like pollen, Summer, they get dressed with fruits, flowers, autumn they change their colors, winter, they lose their leaves. And then, an then what ? they start it all over again. And that was the way I felt like every year was the same, and like those trees, I was growing, but I was stuck in this same cycle. Spring, summer, autumn, winter, and i still felt invisible. Nothing was changing. So invisible that I wished I really was, to see if it would make any difference if my absence would be noticed.
High school, the last year, I started to wish it so hard. that it actually happened. I was invisible, and it felt strange, to look at the mirror to see nothing from me but my clothes. I went to school completely naked and that was one of the funniest things I ever did. Teachers thought I was sick. My roommates did not care much, they did not know me. Even my family did not notice at first. My parents were separated, and they both thought that day that I simply was on the other’s house. Of course, they would not ask, communication between them always depended on me. I was the carrier pigeon flying from one to another.
It lasted one week. I was outside of my school, leaning against a wall, looking at students going home, saying goodbye to their friends. And I realized how much invisible I was, how lonely I was. And at that moment I hated the whole world. I cared so much about being noticed, about being someone in others eyes. And I realized how easy it seemed to be, to just open myself to people, talk, laugh, live. I always thought that everyone around me was the problem, that they were blind, that it was their fault if they never paid attention to me. The truth was, I never tried to interact with anyone. I was the problem. I had made myself invisible. And I wanted it to stop.
And suddenly, I saw my hands appear again. And I was so glad, so thankful because I knew, things were going to change.